Pac-Man's better half deserves the credit

It's hard to have been a boy growing up in the 80's and not have had a crush on Ms. Pac-Man. Few women navigate a maze at top speed, dodge a gang of ghosts or choke down power pills like she can. She can decimate a SteaKountry buffet in one sitting and still keep her girlish radius. Some cases of child obesity have been linked to her eating habits, but these binges are really a celebration of Ms. Pac-Man's endless hunger for life. It's no wonder Pac-Man would be smitten with her, but what does she see in him?

Besides being the only other known Pac-Person in existence, he doesn't have much else going for him. Any Pac-Player can tell you Pac-man moves much slower than his female counterpart. Ms. Pac-Man eats just as many dots in half the time, but is rewarded 200 less points for a perfect level completion. The arcade screen isn't the only glass ceiling in this game. It's possible for Pac-Man to score over 999,999 points and crash the arcade's processor, while the maximum score Ms. Pac-Man can ever hope for is a distant 914,000 points.

Not only does Ms. Pac-Man eat faster that Pac-Man, she eats better. Bonus fruit appears in both games. Ms. Pac-Man eats a well balanced diet of cherries, strawberries, peaches, pretzels, apples, pears, and bananas. The low carb version of Ms. Pac-Man replaces the pretzel with a T-bone steak. Pac-Man eats some of the same fruit, but also inhales bells, several keys, and live birds. It's not particularly healthy to swallow bells and keys, but what kind of heartless Pac-Freak eats birds alive?

If you think I'm being too harsh on Pac-Man, let's get the whole story. Animated intermissions between levels reveal behind-the-scene details. In Act 1: They Meet, our Pac duo evades ghosts, and move closer for a kiss. I've studied Pac anatomy extensively and have failed to locate lips, but they still manage to make some magic happen with those pizza slice mouth-holes. In Act 2: The Chase, Pac-Man begins to "court" the fair Ms. Pac-Man. In his sex crazed pursuit, his ferocity and velocity climax. Thanks to Ms. Pac-Man's incredible speed, she still has all her pixels. In Act 3: Junior, the stork dumps off a bundle of joy. The child is born out of wedlock; apparently an accident. The next two intermissions repeat that same event, but afterwards there are no more scenes. No Pac-Wedding, no Pac-Honeymoon, not even a crappy Pac-Vacation to the Grand Canyon. Pac-Man knocks her up, she pumps out three kids, and they never do anything else. If there was another intermission, it would be the new Pac-Family piling into the mini-van and moving into a nice suburban neighborhood where housewives shoot themselves out of boredom.

Ms. Pac-Man, ditch that yellow zero before he crushes your beautiful soul! Don't do it just for me, but for yourself. If you want to talk about it over a SteaKountry buffet dinner, give me a call.

It's hard to have been a boy growing up in the 80's and not have had a crush on Ms. Pac-Man. Few women navigate a maze at top speed, dodge a gang of ghosts or choke down power pills like she can. She can decimate a SteaKountry buffet in one sitting and still keep her girlish radius. Some cases of child obesity have been linked to her eating habits, but these binges are really a celebration of Ms. Pac-Man's endless hunger for life. It's no wonder Pac-Man would be smitten with her, but what does she see in him?

Besides being the only other known Pac-Person in existence, he doesn't have much else going for him. Any Pac-Player can tell you Pac-man moves much slower than his female counterpart. Ms. Pac-Man eats just as many dots in half the time, but is rewarded 200 less points for a perfect level completion. The arcade screen isn't the only glass ceiling in this game. It's possible for Pac-Man to score over 999,999 points and crash the arcade's processor, while the maximum score Ms. Pac-Man can ever hope for is a distant 914,000 points.

Not only does Ms. Pac-Man eat faster that Pac-Man, she eats better. Bonus fruit appears in both games. Ms. Pac-Man eats a well balanced diet of cherries, strawberries, peaches, pretzels, apples, pears, and bananas. The low carb version of Ms. Pac-Man replaces the pretzel with a T-bone steak. Pac-Man eats some of the same fruit, but also inhales bells, several keys, and live birds. It's not particularly healthy to swallow bells and keys, but what kind of heartless Pac-Freak eats birds alive?

If you think I'm being too harsh on Pac-Man, let's get the whole story. Animated intermissions between levels reveal behind-the-scene details. In Act 1: They Meet, our Pac duo evades ghosts, and move closer for a kiss. I've studied Pac anatomy extensively and have failed to locate lips, but they still manage to make some magic happen with those pizza slice mouth-holes. In Act 2: The Chase, Pac-Man begins to "court" the fair Ms. Pac-Man. In his sex crazed pursuit, his ferocity and velocity climax. Thanks to Ms. Pac-Man's incredible speed, she still has all her pixels. In Act 3: Junior, the stork dumps off a bundle of joy. The child is born out of wedlock; apparently an accident. The next two intermissions repeat that same event, but afterwards there are no more scenes. No Pac-Wedding, no Pac-Honeymoon, not even a crappy Pac-Vacation to the Grand Canyon. Pac-Man knocks her up, she pumps out three kids, and they never do anything else. If there was another intermission, it would be the new Pac-Family piling into the mini-van and moving into a nice suburban neighborhood where housewives shoot themselves out of boredom.

Ms. Pac-Man, ditch that yellow zero before he crushes your beautiful soul! Don't do it just for me, but for yourself. If you want to talk about it over a SteaKountry buffet dinner, give me a call.