Princess not worth loss of life, job

How many times has Mario leaped through literal hoops of fire attempting to rescue Princess Toadstool just to hear, "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" What a tease. Mario can't expect this long distance relationship to work out if Princess isn't willing to make the effort to avoid getting kidnapped by Bowser every sequel. That girl is high maintenance. Even if Mario is only a plumber, Princess Toadstool shouldn't have to victimize herself to validate their unfulfilling relationship.

Mario came to the Mushroom Kingdom to clean some pipes; they got them here like Philly's got cheese-steaks. Mario warps down plenty of them, but when does he tighten a gasket or adjust a flange? Plumbing is Mario's trade; he doesn't know the first thing about rescuing princesses. He does what any decent guy would do in this situation: jump, punch, and stomp his way through 32 stages of the most insane obstacles Bowser can muster and save that princess! Although, wouldn't you think it'd be inconvenient for Bowser to have a lake of molten lava and spinning fireballs in his living room? There's no doubt Bowser is trying to kidnap the princess, but there's plenty to say she isn't trying very hard to get away. Bowser can't be that smart. If he really didn't want Mario to come into his castle, he should just make a wall Mario can't jump over.

Every princess knows they have to play hard to get. And trust me, this one does. I still can't beat Super Mario Bros. Who does this stuck up floozy think she is, Princess Zelda? Being the sole female citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom, she's in high demand. Most of the men of the kingdom are less than four feet and wear mushrooms for hats, so Mario is a real Italian stallion by comparison. Although the short mustached plumber from Brooklyn can unclog the Princess' hairy drainpipes, she won't take him along to the Mushroom Kingdom Ball because he spilled spaghetti sauce all over the Prime Minister.

Princess Toadstool chooses to keep Mario guessing instead of settling down and knitting plunger cozies in the parlor all day. But what recognition does Mario even get when he finally does manage to rescue the poofy-sleeved princess? "Thank you Mario! Your quest is over. We present you with a new quest." Once the princess is returned to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario is no good to her. He already fixed all the royal plumbing, what else can a blue collar Italian of immigrant descent and a blonde monarch from the "Mushroom Kingdom" have in common? Like a middle aged couple trying to rekindle that lost spark, the Princess attempts to recreate the magic that brought them together by role-playing. The thrill of awaiting a heroic rescue (even by a chubster in red overalls) is all Princess Toadstool lives for anymore. But the thrill is brief, and Mario must return to World 1-1 to reenact another rescue. This kind of behavior is obviously unhealthy for him. How many lives does Mario usually lose in World 7? He wouldn't be losing any lives being a plain old plumber, but he likes being called Super Mario even if he's only playing a role in Princess Toadstool's fantasies.