'Paperboy' can make reader out of anyone

It's Monday Morning. You sit down at the breakfast table ready to enjoy a steamy bowl of oatmeal when suddenly a newspaper crashes through your window.

"Honey, I thought we canceled our subscription."
"We did, but that kid keeps throwing them anyway."
"Well, I guess I can try to hit him on my way to work."
"And I'll run after him with a butcher knife tomorrow morning."

In Paperboy, it's your job to deliver the Daily Sun to the citizens of suburbia, whether they want it or not. This paperboy takes a certain pride in his job that only a mob boss could appreciate.

He starts with a handful of optimistic subscribers and a sack full of papers. As long as he continues to make consistent deliveries, the customers continue to subscribe. But what does it take to get the other neighbors to subscribe? Pelting their houses with newspapers will give them the idea. Points are actually rewarded for vandalizing the homes of non-subscribers. Eventually, they give in and start paying for the papers they were getting for free. What kind of paper is the Daily Sun if the paperboy has to bully customers into subscribing?

The news-reporting certainly isn't pulling in new readers. The fact he delivered the paper at all makes the front page. "Amazing paperboy delivers!" This should be a given since you just witnessed him fling the paper through the garage door window. What's really amazing about this paperboy is that nobody has pressed charges against him. The Daily Sun must've paid off the police chief, so it's up to the neighborhood to fight back against this yellow journalism.

Housewives, break dancers, and even lawn jockeys unite to stop the bicycling menace. As he pedals down the sidewalk at top speed, you set your lawnmower into auto pilot hoping to send him crashing to the ground. He quickly launches a newspaper and the mower stops dead in its tracks. Just to add insult to injury, he smacks your dog with another one. Is there no justice in this world? As if your prays have been answered, a tornado whips up and you can't wait to see his bike become twisted metal. But he avoids this, too. Just when you think nothing can stop him, Death walks out from behind a hedge and stands with his sickle ready. The paperboy reaches for ammo, but his sack is empty. This is where the sidewalk ends.

The neighbors rejoice and quietly bury his body under a tombstone in the yard of a non-subscriber as a sign to any other paperboys who come peddling by. The next morning you read the Daily Sun front page with a smile, "Paperboy calls it quits!" But how did the paper get delivered then? You run outside to see papers strewn on the lawns of your neighbors and a new paperboy peddling away. This game is far from over.

No love for Luigi in the Mushroom Kingdom

The day Mario emerged from the warp zone that was his mother's loins, the world rejoiced. Not too long after, his brother Luigi crawled out from the same pipe, but everyone's praise was already spent on the bambino in the red cap. Was Luigi just an afterthought brought into this world to be player two? Luigi might be the taller of the Super Mario Brothers, but he's spent his life standing in his brother's shadow.

Luigi never has the chance to develop his own identity. His full name is Luigi Mario so he can't even fill out a credit card application without being reminded of his brother. Mario must be awfully full of himself to think he's so nice he ought to be named twice. Mahi mahi and kooskoos are the only things that should be named twice. Otherwise, it's just redundant.

Luigi can always change his last name, but that wouldn't change his brother's "It's-a me, Mario!" attitude. By birthright, Mario is player one and given all the perks of the first born. Player one always gets to go first and has complete control over the pause button. Pausing the game when player two is about to jump over a huge pit is a good way to keep Luigi from passing up his brother. This also puts player two in the sorry situation of having to ask player one to pause the game for bathroom breaks. Denying bathroom privileges is another way Mario keeps the green brother down.

With each sequel in the Super Mario Brothers series, it's obvious Nintendo made attempts to swing the spotlight Luigi's way. Super Mario Bros. 2 was a single player game where you could choose to be Mario or Luigi. Luigi can totally out-jump his stumpy brother with his insane hang time, but at the end we find out the whole game was just Mario's dream. It bet it would've been his nightmare if Luigi got the chance to 1-up his older brother. In Super Mario Bros. 3, the game forces Mario and Luigi to take turns after completing each stage. This is a good move toward brotherly equality, but doesn't Luigi deserve retribution for all the second fiddles he's played?

Mario is Missing! (released for Nintendo and Super Nintendo) was an attempt not only give Luigi a starring role, but also to educate. The premise was a rip-off of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? with saving Mario from Bowser as the end goal. So Luigi finally gets his own game and he spends the entire time globetrotting in search of his fatso brother? This just proves he can't function outside of a two-player relationship. To say the least this educational game was met with gamefaqs.com reviews like, "Most boring game of all time," and "An experience that should not be remembered." Mario Teaches Typing made this game look like goomba guano.

Even though Luigi was born with player two's controller in his hands, he doesn't have to be a plumber just like his brother. Luigi should pursue goals that won't be overshadowed by Mario's successes. Basketball goals perhaps? Princess Toadstool would go for a 6'2" pro-baller over a stocky plumber any day.

Turn foes into friends by making bubbles

The concept of the two-player video game has been around as long as Pong and your little brother has been kicking you in the shins ever since for a chance to play. Of course, you'll get to be first player since you're older and he's just going to lose anyway. Two-player video games stoked the fires of sibling rivalry and have torn friendships apart. I once got in a fist fight with a kid because he always took the mushroom houses in Super Mario Bros. 3. He had Only Child Syndrome and didn't know how to share. A two player game should bring people together, not tear them apart, and nothing brings people together more than big-eyed baby dinosaurs who blow bubbles. Bub and Bob from Bubble Bobble are the best of friends, so why can't you and player two be so fortunate?

Everything about Bubble Bobble fosters a friendly and inviting environment. Even a war-hardened Contra veteran will be humming the super happy theme song days after blowing bubbles with a new best friend. The cuteness factor is enough to make Hello Kitty grow a mouth and throw up on your shoes, but don't let the candy power-ups and cookie-collecting bonus rounds distract from the unique two-player cooperative strategies required to master this game.

Unlike most two-player games, Bubble Bobble emphasizes teamwork. You actually have to work together, imagine that. In each level, Bub and Bob must trap other big-eyed monsters inside of bubbles and pop them. Once all the bubbles are popped and the monsters turn into point-rewarding fruit treats, Bub and Bob float together to the next level. Sounds like cake doesn't it? Well, when you're swearing enough to make a sailor with Tourette's blush, you won't think the game is so cute anymore. The difficulty curve increases over 100 levels, so you'll soon find out why two players are recommended.

In the notoriously frustrating level 57 a platform at the top of the screen is practically unreachable unless one player blows bubbles for the other player to bounce on while simultaneously avoiding a rain of freakin' laser beams. It is possible to beat Bubble Bobble in single player mode, but the game makes you feel guilty for being a friendless loser. "Congratulations! But this is not a true ending! Come here with your friends! You will be impressed by the truth of this story!! Never forget your friends! Try again!!" A second player is essential to get the happy ending. In level 99 a crystal ball appears on the screen that only player two can get before it disappears. This sends the bubbly duo to a series of levels that lead to the true last boss and if they both survive the epic bobble, the happy ending reads, "Congratulations! Now, you found the most important magic in the world. It's love & friendship!" If you feel like hugging player two, it's perfectly fine, you've both been through a lot together. But don't stop there; enter the secret code you get after the credits and play it all over again to see the super secret ending. Then you'll be super best friends. Even if you could never beat Bubble Bobble, its message of friendship rings true. Speaking of which, make the Bubble Bobble theme song your ring tone, and you'll start meeting all sorts of friendly people.

Princess not worth loss of life, job

How many times has Mario leaped through literal hoops of fire attempting to rescue Princess Toadstool just to hear, "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" What a tease. Mario can't expect this long distance relationship to work out if Princess isn't willing to make the effort to avoid getting kidnapped by Bowser every sequel. That girl is high maintenance. Even if Mario is only a plumber, Princess Toadstool shouldn't have to victimize herself to validate their unfulfilling relationship.

Mario came to the Mushroom Kingdom to clean some pipes; they got them here like Philly's got cheese-steaks. Mario warps down plenty of them, but when does he tighten a gasket or adjust a flange? Plumbing is Mario's trade; he doesn't know the first thing about rescuing princesses. He does what any decent guy would do in this situation: jump, punch, and stomp his way through 32 stages of the most insane obstacles Bowser can muster and save that princess! Although, wouldn't you think it'd be inconvenient for Bowser to have a lake of molten lava and spinning fireballs in his living room? There's no doubt Bowser is trying to kidnap the princess, but there's plenty to say she isn't trying very hard to get away. Bowser can't be that smart. If he really didn't want Mario to come into his castle, he should just make a wall Mario can't jump over.

Every princess knows they have to play hard to get. And trust me, this one does. I still can't beat Super Mario Bros. Who does this stuck up floozy think she is, Princess Zelda? Being the sole female citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom, she's in high demand. Most of the men of the kingdom are less than four feet and wear mushrooms for hats, so Mario is a real Italian stallion by comparison. Although the short mustached plumber from Brooklyn can unclog the Princess' hairy drainpipes, she won't take him along to the Mushroom Kingdom Ball because he spilled spaghetti sauce all over the Prime Minister.

Princess Toadstool chooses to keep Mario guessing instead of settling down and knitting plunger cozies in the parlor all day. But what recognition does Mario even get when he finally does manage to rescue the poofy-sleeved princess? "Thank you Mario! Your quest is over. We present you with a new quest." Once the princess is returned to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario is no good to her. He already fixed all the royal plumbing, what else can a blue collar Italian of immigrant descent and a blonde monarch from the "Mushroom Kingdom" have in common? Like a middle aged couple trying to rekindle that lost spark, the Princess attempts to recreate the magic that brought them together by role-playing. The thrill of awaiting a heroic rescue (even by a chubster in red overalls) is all Princess Toadstool lives for anymore. But the thrill is brief, and Mario must return to World 1-1 to reenact another rescue. This kind of behavior is obviously unhealthy for him. How many lives does Mario usually lose in World 7? He wouldn't be losing any lives being a plain old plumber, but he likes being called Super Mario even if he's only playing a role in Princess Toadstool's fantasies.

Megaman versus Salaryman

Like the toaster, blender, and automated tie rack, Megaman was made to be a helpful robot. But when the mad scientist, Dr. Wily brings to life a gang of 8 evil robots programmed to take over the world, Megaman's creator Dr. Light entrusts him with the task of protecting humanity. Our android saviour wears a blue speedo on the outside of his tights, but that's the fashion for robots in the year 200X, a time when automatons outnumber humans. Megaman is here to save the human race, but how much should you trust a robot?

You don't have to be a giggling Japanese school girl to know Japan has an obsession with robots. The birthplace of Megaman now ranks first in the world with over 389,442 operational robots making up 51.9% of the global share. They rock n' sock each other's blocks off in manga and anime and occupy every facet of public and private life in Japan. Because of friendly robotic pop icons like Tezuka Osamu's Astro Boy, the Japanese trust robots enough to employ them in nursing homes bathing the elderly. An aging population, low birth rates and labor shortages force Japan to depend on robots to support their economy. But robots can't do everything, so the white collar working class has a lot of slack to pick up. In Megaman 2, Quickman is fast, Airman blows, and Woodman has wood, but in Japan, Salaryman brings home the yen.

Salaryman is as much as a robot as Metalman or Crashman. Before Japan's economic bubble burst, (Bubbleman probably had something to do with it) Salaryman was helping Japan Inc. take over the world. Salaryman commutes for an average of two hours and spends up to ten hours in the office for a total of six days a week. When the office closes, Salaryman is expected to join the other Salarymen for a drink. Heatman lights his cigarettes for him. His children will be asleep when he gets home; he spends only Sunday with them - if he can stay awake. He is entitled to two weeks' paid holiday a year, but his robotic sense of corporate loyalty will reduce this to about four days. If only he was Flashman he could stop time and relax, but unlike those metal robots, Salarymen suffer from karoshi - death from overwork; their suicide rate account for 40% of the 30,000 suicides in Japan during the past four years. If it can be proven in court that a company has worked an employee to death, the company must pay compensation to bereaved relatives.

Momoyo Torimitsu, a Japanese-born artist, created a lifelike robot Salaryman and sent him crawling up Wall Street wearing a suit and a smile. She said, "He is smiling and enjoys being a robot. That is part of the sickness of Japanese society." Salaryman can't beat the robots, so what else can he do but join them? Even in a world filled with good robots made by Dr. Light, there's little room left for humans. We cease to have a function. Imagine how Paul Bunyan felt when he lost to the chain-saw. Blind faith in technology and looking to a fictional super robot like Megaman as a role model will leave a human feeling like an inadequate Salaryman. Good thing Americans look to Averageman as a role model for our work ethic.

Put yourself at Reagan's mercy with 'Contra'

Do you have what it takes to be a member of the covert operative team known as Contra? Besides never wearing a shirt and shooting anythings that moves, you'll also need financial backing from the United States in the form of profits secretively funneled from illegal weapons sales to Iran. Even if you were asleep when Dr. Buzzanco was lecturing about the Iran-Contra affair, you've already learned everything you need to know if you've played Contra.

Daniel Ortega, president of the new Sandinista government in Nicaragua has been importing communist ideology, receiving aid from Cuba and the Soviet Union, and working with leftist guerrillas in El Salvidor. But don't worry, President Ronald Reagan and National Security Advisor aide Oliver North are willing to fudge some important documents to ensure you're properly trained and outfitted to eliminate this new threat to democracy. Utilizing an arsenal of machine guns, flame throwers, lasers, and "the spreader," your mission is to infiltrate the steamy jungles of Nicaragua and mow down every communist revolutionary you see. And that's everyone on the screen except you and your best war buddy. Are you ready soldier?

After the chopper drops you off at Stage 1: Jungle, you encounter a runner carrying a bag and stolen documents. He's most likely a spy from the Sandinista Defense Committee who has sacked private property from the Nicaraguan citizens and is here to discover any "counter-revolutionary" activity. Stay calm and remember the training given to you by your drill sergeant: "Never stop firing your weapon!" Quickly, you unload six rounds into the commie's gut before his body can hit the ground. Watch out! Some sneaky red is hiding in the bushes trying to take a potshot at your partner! Just like they did to Jimmy back in Nam. Waste that sneak and his whole stinking jungle with a flame-thrower courtesy of Uncle Sam. Actually, courtesy of drug traffickers and the money they raised for the Contra campaign with help from the CIA.

After paving a pinko-brick road to Stage 4: Snow Field you start to wonder where in Nicaragua is there a snowflake, let alone a snow field. And why does the music on this stage sound like something Zangief would dance to? Obviously, you've been magically transported into one of Ronald Reagan's wet dreams where you smoke every last Russkie in Moscow. Don't be surprised where else you may find yourself.

When you reach Stage 8: Alien's Lair, you encounter the beating heart of communism, literally. Pump it full of lead, literally. Thanks to your efforts, "the vile Red Falcon" has been destroyed along with any trace of communism. Commies came from outer space, who knew? Play again with the Konomi code and see how much easier it is to exterminate the red menace with 30 extra lives. This also simulates the United States House of Representatives granting Reagan's request to provide an extra $36.25 million to aid the Contras in 1988. But you can make Reagan's fantasy of shirtless commie-slayers armed to the teeth become a reality. Play Contra and check out the gun show.

Pac-Man's better half deserves the credit

It's hard to have been a boy growing up in the 80's and not have had a crush on Ms. Pac-Man. Few women navigate a maze at top speed, dodge a gang of ghosts or choke down power pills like she can. She can decimate a SteaKountry buffet in one sitting and still keep her girlish radius. Some cases of child obesity have been linked to her eating habits, but these binges are really a celebration of Ms. Pac-Man's endless hunger for life. It's no wonder Pac-Man would be smitten with her, but what does she see in him?

Besides being the only other known Pac-Person in existence, he doesn't have much else going for him. Any Pac-Player can tell you Pac-man moves much slower than his female counterpart. Ms. Pac-Man eats just as many dots in half the time, but is rewarded 200 less points for a perfect level completion. The arcade screen isn't the only glass ceiling in this game. It's possible for Pac-Man to score over 999,999 points and crash the arcade's processor, while the maximum score Ms. Pac-Man can ever hope for is a distant 914,000 points.

Not only does Ms. Pac-Man eat faster that Pac-Man, she eats better. Bonus fruit appears in both games. Ms. Pac-Man eats a well balanced diet of cherries, strawberries, peaches, pretzels, apples, pears, and bananas. The low carb version of Ms. Pac-Man replaces the pretzel with a T-bone steak. Pac-Man eats some of the same fruit, but also inhales bells, several keys, and live birds. It's not particularly healthy to swallow bells and keys, but what kind of heartless Pac-Freak eats birds alive?

If you think I'm being too harsh on Pac-Man, let's get the whole story. Animated intermissions between levels reveal behind-the-scene details. In Act 1: They Meet, our Pac duo evades ghosts, and move closer for a kiss. I've studied Pac anatomy extensively and have failed to locate lips, but they still manage to make some magic happen with those pizza slice mouth-holes. In Act 2: The Chase, Pac-Man begins to "court" the fair Ms. Pac-Man. In his sex crazed pursuit, his ferocity and velocity climax. Thanks to Ms. Pac-Man's incredible speed, she still has all her pixels. In Act 3: Junior, the stork dumps off a bundle of joy. The child is born out of wedlock; apparently an accident. The next two intermissions repeat that same event, but afterwards there are no more scenes. No Pac-Wedding, no Pac-Honeymoon, not even a crappy Pac-Vacation to the Grand Canyon. Pac-Man knocks her up, she pumps out three kids, and they never do anything else. If there was another intermission, it would be the new Pac-Family piling into the mini-van and moving into a nice suburban neighborhood where housewives shoot themselves out of boredom.

Ms. Pac-Man, ditch that yellow zero before he crushes your beautiful soul! Don't do it just for me, but for yourself. If you want to talk about it over a SteaKountry buffet dinner, give me a call.

It's hard to have been a boy growing up in the 80's and not have had a crush on Ms. Pac-Man. Few women navigate a maze at top speed, dodge a gang of ghosts or choke down power pills like she can. She can decimate a SteaKountry buffet in one sitting and still keep her girlish radius. Some cases of child obesity have been linked to her eating habits, but these binges are really a celebration of Ms. Pac-Man's endless hunger for life. It's no wonder Pac-Man would be smitten with her, but what does she see in him?

Besides being the only other known Pac-Person in existence, he doesn't have much else going for him. Any Pac-Player can tell you Pac-man moves much slower than his female counterpart. Ms. Pac-Man eats just as many dots in half the time, but is rewarded 200 less points for a perfect level completion. The arcade screen isn't the only glass ceiling in this game. It's possible for Pac-Man to score over 999,999 points and crash the arcade's processor, while the maximum score Ms. Pac-Man can ever hope for is a distant 914,000 points.

Not only does Ms. Pac-Man eat faster that Pac-Man, she eats better. Bonus fruit appears in both games. Ms. Pac-Man eats a well balanced diet of cherries, strawberries, peaches, pretzels, apples, pears, and bananas. The low carb version of Ms. Pac-Man replaces the pretzel with a T-bone steak. Pac-Man eats some of the same fruit, but also inhales bells, several keys, and live birds. It's not particularly healthy to swallow bells and keys, but what kind of heartless Pac-Freak eats birds alive?

If you think I'm being too harsh on Pac-Man, let's get the whole story. Animated intermissions between levels reveal behind-the-scene details. In Act 1: They Meet, our Pac duo evades ghosts, and move closer for a kiss. I've studied Pac anatomy extensively and have failed to locate lips, but they still manage to make some magic happen with those pizza slice mouth-holes. In Act 2: The Chase, Pac-Man begins to "court" the fair Ms. Pac-Man. In his sex crazed pursuit, his ferocity and velocity climax. Thanks to Ms. Pac-Man's incredible speed, she still has all her pixels. In Act 3: Junior, the stork dumps off a bundle of joy. The child is born out of wedlock; apparently an accident. The next two intermissions repeat that same event, but afterwards there are no more scenes. No Pac-Wedding, no Pac-Honeymoon, not even a crappy Pac-Vacation to the Grand Canyon. Pac-Man knocks her up, she pumps out three kids, and they never do anything else. If there was another intermission, it would be the new Pac-Family piling into the mini-van and moving into a nice suburban neighborhood where housewives shoot themselves out of boredom.

Ms. Pac-Man, ditch that yellow zero before he crushes your beautiful soul! Don't do it just for me, but for yourself. If you want to talk about it over a SteaKountry buffet dinner, give me a call.